Panic To Peace

This past Christmas break threw me for a loop, but was also a testament to the Lord’s faithfulness and friendship while I faced one of my biggest fears. 

I had noticed an unusual mole on my left ear about a year ago and my mom finally convinced me to go to my dermatologist to get it checked out. I walked in with full expectation that my doctor would tell me she hoped school was going well, it looked great, give me a pat on the back, and send me on my way. But, that is not what happened. 

Let me preface the story by telling you I have an extremely weak stomach. I avoid anything medical pertaining to blood, wounds, all the things. Not to mention - it is also my biggest fear :)

My doctor walked in and asked how school was going, so I filled her in on all the details. She pulled my hair back and told me she wanted to take a biopsy. My heart dropped to my stomach and I instantly felt like I was about to pass out. I tried to negotiate with her and convince her I needed to work up the courage to come back and bring someone with me. She started looking at her schedule and said she could see me in about a month, the second week of January. I started to tell her to put me down for January, but I felt a surge of courage that took over my words and I blurted, “Let’s do it today!” She asked if I was sure and I said, “Please do it before I change my mind.”

The pain itself wasn’t too bad, but knowing she was taking a biopsy made me sick to my stomach. It was over quickly and after I regained my strength, I hurried to my car to call my mom. I remember breaking down in tears because I was overwhelmed, confused, and unprepared. I told my mom it made me sick to my stomach and after she calmed me down she told me “You can do hard things.” 

A week later, I was sitting with my roommate at coffee and I got a call from my dermatologist’s office with the results. The biopsy she had taken came back as pre-melanoma. She told me she wanted me to visit a plastic surgeon to get a deeper biopsy and reconstruction. Whoa! I remember my head feeling like it was swimming with all the emotions and my world crashing down simultaneously. Surgery? No way. Literally my worst fear. 

My thoughts quickly turned to the worst and tears flooded my eyes as I looked at my roommate and told her what the doctor had said. The realization that it was almost cancerous hit me, and that was heavy. I didn’t know how to even begin to process what was happening. It felt like my world had been flipped on its head and spun around a couple times. 

The following week, my mom went with me to the plastic surgeon’s office for the consultation and we walked in not knowing what to expect. The PA came in and began to explain their plan to biopsy a larger area and then go back in for reconstruction surgery a week later. My world fell apart. I was told I was about to have to face my biggest fear, and there was absolutely no way around it. I felt helpless. Talking about the plan of attack made my stomach weak and I almost passed out. After laying down and gathering myself, a panic attack ensued as tears streamed down my face and my entire body shook. 

We left the doctor’s office and as I sat in the car with my mom trying to somewhat wrap my head around what was about to happen, the panic soon turned to frustration and anger. I remember thinking “this is not what I signed up for.” My mom reassured me and held my hand. No matter what I was about to walk through, I knew I wouldn’t walk through it alone.

The initial plan was to have both procedures done in-office, but after the PA realized how weak of a stomach I had just talking about the procedures she advised we do the reconstruction in the hospital. A few days after the consultation, we went in for pre-op to get my blood drawn. Getting my blood drawn was one of my biggest fears. After the nurse had taken a vial, I began to tremor and my anxiety quickly overtook me. My dad came over, held my hand, and wiped my tears. He reassured me it was going to be okay. 

I went over to my grandma’s house multiple times throughout the process to talk things through. I told her I was frustrated and confused, but most of all I was scared. She reminded me that Jesus was with me in all of this. My grandma is my prayer warrior and she had everyone she knew praying for me too. My grandpa reminded me everything happens for a reason. I told him I knew God was going to use it for His glory, I just wasn’t sure how yet. He told me to “keep my antennas up” because you never know how the Lord is going to use you. 

A few days later, I went into the office for my deeper biopsy. Everyone looked at me like I was a ticking time bomb. My dad, the nurse, and the PA were ready for damage control in the event that I broke down in tears and panic. However, when I walked into the office that day, I had never felt so much peace in my whole life. Cool as a cucumber is really the only way I know how to describe it. 

I kept reminding myself that there is no room I walk into that the Lord hasn’t already been. He goes before me, and behind me, and beside me. The procedure room had a big comfy operating chair and a big beautiful window with a tree outside. The window was on my right side, which was perfect because I was able to look out the window while the plastic surgeon worked on my other ear. I don’t believe in coincidences. I watched the birds fly in and out of the tree and I continued to rehearse Scripture. I reminded myself that the Lord takes care of the birds and flowers, how much more does He care for me! (Matthew 6:26-34)

My dad was anxiously waiting in the lobby afraid that I was freaking out during the procedure. So much so, he asked the receptionist to go back and check on me to make sure the doctors didn’t need his help calming me down. She came back and told him I was completely still and he asked if she was sure she had checked the right room. 

After the biopsy was completed, everyone was staring at me like I had come from another planet. The difference in panic and peace between the consultation and the biopsy was like night and day. The only way I could explain it was “God did that.” 

Before we left the office, I told the doctor I wanted to do the reconstruction in the office as we had initially planned instead of doing it in the hospital. It took a lot of courage because I knew I would be awake and have to sit still for the whole thing. 

The next step was waiting for the biopsy results to come back. That genuinely felt like the longest week of my life. Ever. If it came back clear, I would only have to endure one procedure and then I could go back to school a couple weeks late. If it didn’t, it would have been a process of two more surgeries and I would have missed almost half of the semester. 

It was all out of my control and I desperately pleaded with God to let it come back clear. I had shared what was going on with my close community, and their prayers gave me reassurance. I knew I wasn’t alone. 

I was either supposed to get a call Friday or Monday because they weren’t open on the weekends. I so badly wanted to know Friday, but the call never came. Monday morning rolled around and I almost couldn’t contain myself. My mind felt like it was swirling in circles. I needed to know, I just needed to know. My phone rang at 9:07 a.m. and after I saw it was the doctor I rushed to answer. I didn’t know what to expect because I wanted to be hopeful, but I didn’t want to be let down. The PA’s voice came across the phone and said, “Syd, it’s all clear.” My heart lurched from my stomach to my throat and there was inexplicable joy. I shouted “Praise God!” and ran to hug my dad standing nearby. I texted my family, mentor, friends, and gave them the good news. I also sent them the song “Praise” by Brandon Lake to go with it. I was jumping and leaping for joy, and I took a selfie so I would never forget the joy I felt. The gratitude and the faith in God for taking care of me and hearing my prayers. 

That was the moment I knew it was going to be okay. I knew He held me and He cared for me. I reminded myself that God holds the whole world together in His hands, so He can hold my world together too. I was expectantly waiting for the reconstruction surgery, partially because I wanted it to be over with and I knew we were just one more procedure to the finish line, but also because I wasn’t afraid anymore. 

I had coffee with two different friends on two different days in two different cities, and both of them reminded me of the same Bible verse. “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)  When I tell you I clung to that verse, I hung onto it like my life depended on it.

A few days after the call about the results, I went in for the reconstruction. I’ll spare you the gory details, but after an hour of cutting into my ear and putting it back together with only a numbing shot, it was over. I watched the birds in the tree through the window and reminded myself how much the Lord cares for them and even more so for me. I kept rehearsing the words “Be still.” Be still mentally, Be still physically, and Be still emotionally. Being awake, I could hear everything the surgeon was doing and I would close my eyes and breathe when it began to feel like too much. There was one time I closed my eyes and opened them and I saw Jesus standing in the corner of the operating room giving me a thumbs up and a smile. I felt Him say, “You’re doing great, sis! I’ve got this! Be still.” A second wave of overwhelming peace rushed over my body and mind. 

I walked out with a head wrap on, lookin’ real fly. 

I won’t get into the details of the pain or the care of my ear in between and after procedures. It wasn’t pretty, but I wasn’t alone. 

There are a lot of things I learned throughout this process, and I would like to share them with you. 

1. Nothing surprises God. 

In hindsight, I realize that if I would not have gotten that initial biopsy at the beginning of Christmas break, the timeline of everything would’ve been pushed back. I would’ve missed most of the semester instead of only two weeks, and it could have been much more involved than 3 procedures if it had been fully developed. The courage wasn’t mine, I believe it was the Holy Spirit. In hindsight, I saw that God was in the details and seeing that He was in the timing gave me comfort and faith that He was in the rest of it. 

1. Community is everything. 

I could not have done all of this without the incredible people that walked through this with me. My friends, family, mentor, and many others. I let people know what was going on so they could join me in prayer. “For where two or three are gathered in My Name, there I am with them.” (Matthew 18:20) Do not take godly community for granted. They are the ones who walk beside you in the storms of life. 

1. Faith above all else. 

Our faith is tested in many facets, but especially when something is completely out of our control. I am a control freakkk. I need to have a plan and an itinerary. The last couple of months wrecked that in the best way possible. I had no control over the test results. I had no control over the timeline of when I could go back to class. I had no control over how it would heal or look post-reconstruction. I was only in control of how much faith I put in the Lord to hold me and my world together. 

1. Be still and let Him take care of it. 

Be still. This means so many different things to me. Anxiety has been a constant obstacle in my life and a giant that continues to rear its ugly head in many different forms. “Be still” means to quiet my mind, take my thoughts captive, and make them obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5) Being still mentally helped me to stay still physically during the procedure. 

1. God makes you able to do hard things. 

I am not strong enough to do hard things, but God is. I would not have been able to get through this without Him. Read Isaiah 40. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”   2 Corinthians 12:9

1. Everything I have and everything I don’t have is from the Lord. 

I realized that not only is the Lord’s timing perfect, but He is also in the details. I realized that going through what I did is part of my testimony, and I can’t wait to see how He uses it. But I also thank Him daily for letting it not be a fully developed cancerous cell because life would look a lot different right now. In moments I began to get frustrated with pulling bobby pins out of my hair to keep it off my ear, I found myself thanking the Lord I had hair to put bobby pins in. When I woke up tired and not wanting to go to class, I began thanking the Lord for the ability to get back to “normal” and go to class. 

1. The only way to face a fear is to walk straight through it.

The Israelites walked straight through the Red Sea on dry ground in Exodus 14. In 1 Samuel 17:48, David “ran quickly to the battleline” to meet Goliath head on. The only way I was going to get over my fear of medical operations was to walk straight through it. 

1. Wear your sunscreen. 

I played tennis in middle school and high school, so I was always outside with my hair in a ponytail. I love sunshine and tanning. I am not trying to scare you away from enjoying the sun, but I am asking you to be aware. I used to rather tan than wear sunscreen and I told myself I would wear it to protect myself when I was older. Wear your sunscreen now and schedule a full-body check with your dermatologist. It is so much better to be safe than sorry. Take preventative measures! :) 

My favorite songs:

“Praise” by Brandon Lake

“Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle